


no more dreaming of the dead (as if death itself was undone)

by suffaru41



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Hurt No Comfort, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, and like 1 minor detail, cour 2, frozen bonds ova, only S2 cour 1 spoilers, that could count as spoilers, tho if u squint there is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26976871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suffaru41/pseuds/suffaru41
Summary: In the stillness of the night, a nightmare sends Subaru spiraling. It’s not the first time that he’s broken before, and it won’t be the last, yet the best thing he can do is shatter into pieces alone.Or: an Arc 4 character study regarding the trials and tribulations Subaru has faced and will continue to face.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 98





	no more dreaming of the dead (as if death itself was undone)

**Author's Note:**

> pls pls do not read this if you're triggered by the self harm tag!! pls take care of yourself!!

Subaru’s eyes shot open as he scrambled out of bed. His breath came out in short, wheezing gasps — he stumbled into the bathroom, his knees slamming to the floor in front of the toilet as he vomited — 

He was being devoured — he was shattering into pieces, they were _crawling up his_ — 

His shaking hands scrambling for purchase on the porcelain, then traveling down to his sleeves as he yanked them up in a hasty motion, his vision flickering in and out, his stomach spasming with every heave —

Chewing, chewing, _chewing_ — his insides were tangled up into knots, spilling out onto the floor, he was holding onto Petra’s severed hand, onto corpse after corpse after corpse, he was cold, so cold, he wanted to die, he wanted to die, _I love you I love you you’re mine mine mine_ , he was, _he was_ — 

His nails desperately clawed at his skin, burning, piercing, he needed this, he needed this so badly. 

Subaru was horribly intimate with pain, familiar with the fact that he was truly and utterly alone in this, that he couldn’t share how he felt without his heart being seized and more people suffering because he couldn’t stop it, and he was so powerless, so _worthless_ , and the least he could do was punish himself — pour all the noise screaming in his head into the experience he knew best — because this was all he had, this was the only way he could let out all of his despair — 

His mind trembled. He made it through all of the pain of the Sanctuary with his sanity intact — why did these awful memories have to drift into his dreams? Why did they have to spring up now, after accomplishing the final loop and finally, _finally_ , getting to rest without any problems to solve? 

Subaru collapsed backwards against the wall with a choked sob. The putrid smell and the acidic sting of his puke clogging up his nostrils and throat, he wrapped his arms around himself in some pathetic mimicry of a hug. And with his nails still dragging back and forth across his skin, the repetitive motion itself, and his blood dripping down his arm onto the tiled floor; it brought a burst of relief and fear intertwined bubbling to the surface. 

How many times had he been through this? The nightmares of death after death, every horrible memory burned into his mind, every painful reminder sending him spiraling, pushing those awful things underneath his outward persona and out of his trembling brain —

Subaru’s eyes darted towards the mess he’d made of his arms, his haunted gaze fixated on the thick rivulets pouring from all that he’d inflicted on himself. 

He’d seen his blood countless times, but every time it was because he’d hurt himself, all he could do was obsess over the release it gave him, sparks lighting up along his nerves from overwhelming fear, and the pain as sharp and terribly relieving as ever despite that.   
Subaru’s head still spun, light-headed from the blood loss and his outburst. His breath came out in harsh, shuddering gasps as he curled in on himself from where he was half propped up against the wall. 

Maybe he was addicted. Maybe it was horrible to crave such a thing, even while being scared of it and any other sort of pain. But he couldn’t stop. Not now. Not when he couldn’t lose this too, not when all of his other options were overridden by Return By Death or if it meant bothering the people he loved with his weakness. 

After all, how could he keep wasting Beatrice’s mana over this? How could he even face Emilia if she found out? How could he even sit at Rem’s bedside and tell her about his day when this was what he had done at night? How could he ever confess about how when his mind became far too loud, he shattered in private after holding it together in front of everyone else? Or all the times when he couldn’t keep his mind in check and had broken down in front of just about anyone? How could he keep losing himself like that? How could he keep hurting the people he cares about? 

No. This was all that he could do alone. Even though his loved ones were there for him, even when he let himself be held in their comforting embrace, all of this — the loops and death and every bad end and returning from the remains of each reset looming over him — would always be his burden alone. It was the one thing he could never share with them, the one thing they would never be able to understand, and the one thing that was both a gift and a curse all at once.

But Subaru was used to that now, wasn’t he? Even with the paralyzing fear, even with only his desperate determination keeping him going, even with the layers of trauma that was so hard to cope with, even with the cruel whispering thoughts of, _What if this never ends? What if each and every death meant another world you failed to save, full of all those who will mourn you?_

He reached over with a trembling hand to flush the toilet, his stomach starting to churn again. Then he staggered to his feet and dragged himself to the sink.

_What if another save point updates, and you’ll lose someone else like —_

_Like… like **Rem** — _

_No_. He couldn’t dwell on that now. He couldn’t. All he had to do was take down Gluttony, and she could still be saved — 

Subaru took in a shuddering breath. His eyes flickered to the crusted blood underneath his nails, and then up to the mirror. He stared at his hollowed, exhausted face, and he thought, _And what if the others find out about this shitty coping mechanism of yours?_

He let out a harsh sigh. Deep down, he knew the answer: pain had become a habit. It would never fade away, always wrapped around his frantically beating heart like the Witch of Envy herself, always ever-present in the abyss of his mind that he refused to acknowledge half the time. He never would be able to become numb to it, or forget the feeling all the same, even if it had become something intimately familiar in all the crevices of his memories.

And of course Subaru never stopped trying, never stopped fighting a thousand times over despite the pain — he would rather erase himself from existence than stop pushing forward with all his meager might — yet the truth of the matter was that just about anybody would be broken down, piece by piece, after each and every death. Each and every loss. 

And of course he tried to hold onto his own worth. He witnessed the effect of his death in each and every failed loop the hard way, after all. But how many times could one crawl out of hell by the skin of their teeth, having suffered enough for several lifetimes more than even their already many chances at life, before they grew further convinced in their own worthlessness? 

_My life has value_ , he reminded himself. _You **can’t** forget that. _

And yet shame and dread continued to make his stomach churn, his throat clogged as he glanced at the fresh scratches along his arms. This — this habit of his — didn’t it contradict with what he’d learned at Sanctuary just not too long ago? 

_Love yourself more… Don’t be hurt. Don't suffer. Don’t grieve... Treasure yourself more. I love you. So I want you to love yourself, and protect yourself._

He learned one lesson — that abusing Return by Death would cost him his humanity, his sanity, and what little self-worth he had — only to turn around and still hold onto the guilt and self-hatred that wriggled out of him into this coping mechanism of his. 

_Why haven’t you realized that you should be included among those you wish to save? It should be so obvious…_

_Don’t fret all alone. Fight alongside the people that care about you. Don’t forget that there are people who grieve when you die._

Subaru gripped onto the sink to anchor himself. His face twisted into fierce, reckless determination — that kind of sickening devotion intertwined with raw desperation. 

The village, Ram, Otto, Petra, Fredricka, Garfiel, Beatrice, Rem, Emilia… they and so many others were worth fighting for. Even though he had seen them die far too many times to count, even if he would continue to see them die for what could be eternity — he refused to let that be the result of each final loop. 

( _Satella_ , his heart sang too, with the phantom pain of the Witch of Envy’s hands reaching out to him, and the inexplicable feeling of love towards her that rose from somewhere deep within him.) 

And he strove past all those bad ends. Now, they were alive and alright and still at his side, and this was how it would always be. He swore that there won’t ever be another outcome than that - that the only thing he would settle for was a happy ending for everyone he cared so deeply about. 

And even with... with _Rem_ , and all of her kindness and loyalty and heart stolen away by Gluttony, he was going to take down that bastard and restore her place in this world, _no matter what_. 

This was the far too idealistic, perhaps naïve truth that made Natsuki Subaru who he was, and he refused to settle for any less. 

But still, Subaru wondered, when would this end? No danger, no fear, no promise of more death and suffering — when would this finally cease? When would he be able to see his loved ones smile upon another bright day without worrying about any looming threats awaiting them in the shadows? 

_Someday_ , he reminded himself, when Rem’s name and memories are back, when Emilia becomes ruler and frees her people, when there’s no more mysteries to solve, when there’s no more threats to be eliminated.

Even so _, even so,_ Subaru allowed himself to crumble. Just him, alone and ashamed and afraid, crying silently into the cold night.

(And in the morning, he knew that he would have to face Beatrice’s sorrowful gaze and waste her mana over himself once more.)

**Author's Note:**

> the title is a lyric from the song blinding by florence and the machine btw  
> so this is my first fanfic in the fandom (bc did i expect to like this story AND subaru that much? hell no lmao) and the first fanfic ive written in like. years. so this is really taking me back to middle school lol. and also the first fanfic ive posted on this site and lets just say it was weird to get used to for me lol
> 
> tbh tho i love subaru too much to NOT explore his character, and ngl i am planning at least one other oneshot for rezero, but i have absolutely no promises on actually finishing it haha. if ur curious, it's another subaru character study written in an unconventional format this time. and i do have ideas to explore the what ifs, but again no promises lol
> 
> and about subaru self harming: now we all know about the whole committing suicide thing and him nearly losing his humanity in cour 1, but idk he does cut his hand in a scene that was cut from the anime in arc 2 and he does self harm via scratching in the wrath if. its not exactly surprising imo given the massive amounts of trauma he has but it still makes me sad  
> :( tho uh. idk was that last line of the fanfic clear tho? novel readers will probs get it tho but idek lol
> 
> also uh. pls forgive me if subaru is horrendously ooc, i tried my best :,) (and also imma be honest here, i didnt feel like fully showing the nightmare bc i was just lazy to write it pfft) anyway uh, comments are very much welcomed? idk lol i just hope this was a decent read at least


End file.
